I feel feeble talking in a male dominated group. I feel helpless when a man makes unwanted sexual advances, and inevitably smile nervously and walk away quickly. I learned early on how to hate other girls and despise femininity. I was terrified by my own body as a sexual entity and my first period was traumatising. And when I see the daily advertisements telling me to spend money on a new cream because my face isn’t pretty enough, or movies where the main female role is a sex-toy sans character development, or talk to a guy who somehow thinks we don’t live in a rape culture, I feel angry. Writing it plainly here like this, anger seems like a reasonable emotion to feel about the inundation of being devalued and degraded. But I forget one important thing:
Girls aren’t meant to be angry.
Anger, no matter how rightful, is an unacceptable trait for a female to have. She must be crazy, nuts, hysterical right from the core of her dysfunctional uterus. Men are the ones who ball up their fists to fight, who yell in a somewhat pleasing deep register, who think with their erections and start wars, right? Girls’ conflict techniques are different - we express dissatisfaction with gentle calmness and negotiate cooly, and would never make an unreasonable generalisation. Women who do get angry, who do lash out and yell and huff are clearly the “crazy feminists”, the dreaded creature of extremism, hairy legs, braless tits and shrill, man-hating cries.
In my many feminist discussions with friends, not-really-friends, and random people who said something annoying, I’ve often come across the notion of the “respectable feminist”. When talking about #notallmen, or the validity of making generalisations about men, white people, cis people etc, or the role of violent protests, there’s always that one voice that pipes up “yeah but any respectable feminist wouldn’t actually believe that”. This is usually followed by a sideways glance, a challenge in my direction. Exhausted and burnt out I usually ignore it, but I’m here now to say that if being a “respectable feminist” means watering down my values to appease the delicate sensibilities of men, then I want none of it.
Respectability has always been a tool used by people in power to delegitimise the voices of marginalised folk. The suffragettes, the bra burners of the seventies and intersectional feminists now have always been described by their naysayers as crazy, out of line and unreasonable. If you talk too loud, if you cite anecdotal evidence rather than often unavailable statistics, if you look a man in the eye on Q&A to tell him that he is interrupting you, you are no longer respectable. So what we see is that the only “respectable feminist” is the ineffective one, the one who panders to the needs of men and feebly challenges the most superficial layers of sexism. This narrative also rings true for anti-racisms movements; MLK himself damned “moderation”, calling for radical action for radical change. The “respectable PoC” concedes to white supremacy, and asks only for tokenistic changes in legislation rather than attempting to overhaul a systematic hatred of blackness.
I’m tired of being told my feminism is contradictory, hypocritical and useless because I refuse to back down from challenging theories, like the construction of gender and the responsibility of All Men for sexism. Apparently I’m pushing men away, but if a boy feels threatened and insecure purely because I have found power and comfort in my rights as a woman, then I do not need to pat his head and say “well maybe reverse oppression can exist sometimes”. He needs to grow up.
I do not need to take part in conversations that drain, frustrate and hurt me if I do not want to simply because it would not be “respectable” to deny “the other side” a chance to have airtime. I do not need to defend my legitimacy as a feminist because some people feel threatened by the things I have to say. I do not need to remain calm in an argument to make a valid point. I do not need to respect an opinion if it is damaging to me, to women, to queer people, to People of Colour or to disabled people.
I will never apologise for caring, and I will always be emotional about issues that affect my life.
In my many feminist discussions with friends, not-really-friends, and random people who said something annoying, I’ve often come across the notion of the “respectable feminist”. When talking about #notallmen, or the validity of making generalisations about men, white people, cis people etc, or the role of violent protests, there’s always that one voice that pipes up “yeah but any respectable feminist wouldn’t actually believe that”. This is usually followed by a sideways glance, a challenge in my direction. Exhausted and burnt out I usually ignore it, but I’m here now to say that if being a “respectable feminist” means watering down my values to appease the delicate sensibilities of men, then I want none of it.
Respectability has always been a tool used by people in power to delegitimise the voices of marginalised folk. The suffragettes, the bra burners of the seventies and intersectional feminists now have always been described by their naysayers as crazy, out of line and unreasonable. If you talk too loud, if you cite anecdotal evidence rather than often unavailable statistics, if you look a man in the eye on Q&A to tell him that he is interrupting you, you are no longer respectable. So what we see is that the only “respectable feminist” is the ineffective one, the one who panders to the needs of men and feebly challenges the most superficial layers of sexism. This narrative also rings true for anti-racisms movements; MLK himself damned “moderation”, calling for radical action for radical change. The “respectable PoC” concedes to white supremacy, and asks only for tokenistic changes in legislation rather than attempting to overhaul a systematic hatred of blackness.
I’m tired of being told my feminism is contradictory, hypocritical and useless because I refuse to back down from challenging theories, like the construction of gender and the responsibility of All Men for sexism. Apparently I’m pushing men away, but if a boy feels threatened and insecure purely because I have found power and comfort in my rights as a woman, then I do not need to pat his head and say “well maybe reverse oppression can exist sometimes”. He needs to grow up.
I do not need to take part in conversations that drain, frustrate and hurt me if I do not want to simply because it would not be “respectable” to deny “the other side” a chance to have airtime. I do not need to defend my legitimacy as a feminist because some people feel threatened by the things I have to say. I do not need to remain calm in an argument to make a valid point. I do not need to respect an opinion if it is damaging to me, to women, to queer people, to People of Colour or to disabled people.
I will never apologise for caring, and I will always be emotional about issues that affect my life.
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